A Norn Iron bloggee who does tax consultancy work has sent the letter below allegedly from the IR archives. It has the ring of truth and is a timely rant given the start of the tax year in Hutton and elsewhere.
I
am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "beggingletter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through theletterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I wouldcautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case ofemergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lack wit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", amoment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for thewhole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for theChancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than youseem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a universitysystem."A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practicebecause even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in anyway wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.Please forward it by Friday.Yours Sincerely,X X XXX
