Suffering from Burns.
The story ‘Eyemouth Couple attend Hawaiian Burns Supper’ in the Berwickshire brought it all back. My journeys in Foreign Parts in the Diplomatic required me to attend the functions put by the various Tribal Societies which are such a feature of expat life, especially in Anglophone countries-Irish Societies-St Patrick’s Night, St David’s with the Welsh, St George’s Day or Trafalgar night with the English and of course St Andrews Day and Burns Suppers with the Scots. All could be enjoyable but as a non-Scot Burns Suppers were the hardest going. Indeed some Scots also found them heavy going as compared with the uncomplicated pleasures of St Andrews Caledonian Balls. The Eyemouth couple seemed also to have some reservations about the Burns do in Hawaii. The locally assembled Haggis was ‘mostly German Sausage’ and ‘most washed the taste away with a nip of Glen Drummond’ Apparently genuine traditional ingredients for the Haggis are forbidden to be imported into the US.( Sudan B?) And the toast to the Haggis was a shaky effort as local chieftain had a problem in remembering all the verses. And at the end only one Piper was left standing-so some people had a good time.
We have had our share of bizarre Scottish events. Too many ‘Immortal Memories’ were rendered by too many professional Burns night supperers-imported from Scotland for the occasion and who were likely to be doing five addresses on 5 successive evenings and by the time they got to Dubai or wherever they were bored with their own rhetoric (not to mention 4 cumulative hangovers) and it showed.
In Dar es Salaam the Caledonians were banned by the local authorities. No one knew why. There were rumours that some Tanzanians believed the stabbing of a poor defenceless Haggis with a dirk was a simulation of a human sacrifice. I managed to persuade the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to allow the Society to hold a St Andrews Night and said that I was certain there would be no problems. No strange ritual involved.. Unfortunately I had not taken into account the Caledonian Airways Piper. This airline, now defunct, to further its Gaelic credentials had a tame peripatetic Piper on its payroll and he was always prepared to perform at Scottish functions-by this time 1978-he seemed easily available for the Dar es Salaam event although this was only jacked up in early November. That should have been an indication of his reputation.
The Piper did his thing in the early stages and piped away consuming vast quantities of Whisky to keep his whistle whetted –as he put it. Then he disappeared. Not many people noticed and I suspect few cared as his playing was getting increasingly erratic and even non Scots noticed the increasingly inharmonious noises issuing from the general direction of his pipes.
Next morning I was summoned by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to explain why the Piper had been found unconscious and naked draped around the war memorial-just outside the hotel which had hosted the function. I suspect he had gone out to get some fresh air, collapsed and had his regalia nicked. Only the Pipes remained and were fortunately draped over his person concealing his remaining credentials. That was the last Scottish Caledonian event in my time in Dar-and I am not sure that I minded too much.
Those interested in such things should log on to the Coldstream Burns Society's website-the full flavour of the last event is there for all to savour.
http://www.coldstream-scotland.co.uk/burnsnight.htm
