An irregular bloggee has asked if I could republish a seasonal poem about Christmas Trees which she enjoyed last year-apparently she felt that her local garden centre was ripping customers off this year with very expensive firs-and she would love (she said) to have a tree that did the ripping as in this sad buit suitable tale



Christmas Tree

The man from the Garden Centre
loaded the overpriced tree
into the undersized car
with the sharpened stem
pointing forward

An emergency stop later
The bloke in the passenger seat
was neatly impaled as
the sharpened stem
took its revenge.

A dilemma for the woman.
Money back on the tree
and
bury the husband?
(“And what exactly
is the nature of your
complaint?”)

Or keep him
(being seasonably chilly)
impaled by the tree
as an unusual support
mechanism
No unsteady stone filled bucket
needed.
(once Rigor Mortis had
set in)
.

Quite a conversation piece.
Saving considerable hassle.
And perhaps
some
money.

(Not an unimportant consideration
for the recently
widowed)

Actually with a sudden arrival of unexpected children our plans to do without a tree this year have had to be abandoned but rather than play further havoc with the Snow Forest we have dug out our old plastic tree which is IKEA devilish to assemble but was neccesary in some foreign parts like Kuwait where any kind of tree was a small miracle. Once we have dusted it and removed the scorpions it will be indistinguishable from the real thing-in a dimly lit room at any rate and it does not shed needles.

A norn iron bloggee has just commented as follows: perhaps your "irregular" bloggee might consider some form of alternative therapy to help her with her unfortunate condition. We have the acquaintance of a white witch type person here, in Norn Iron, who is well known to you and may be able to assist in these matters. I'm sure that we could negotiate the usual discount.

Failing that, Safeways/Morrisons (now Asda) dispenses the usual prune extracts

An interesting comment coming from the Six Counties which has often been decribed as the 'anal retentive society'.  ¶ 5:30 PM