The Plural of Anus.
Playing in a force 14 wind this afternoon I was pondering on a question that my old Classics Master used to tease us all with : What is the plural of anus? As you will all know the correct answer depends on whether it is a Greek word: anuses or Latin: Anii. I really can't remember which one is right after all this time, but I do recall that we never got far in any discussion of the finner points of Greek or Latin grammar as Mr Lachlan would always get sidetracked. If he replied Anus is Greek, some bright little boy would ask. 'But sir, please sir didn't the Romans have anuses? And then we were off into the more obscure (and more interesting) aspects of classical life usually ending with vivid descriptions of the naughtier graffiti at Pompeii in which the anus played a respectable (by Roman standards) role. Or so he said.
I thought of this as I was caught behind the slowest four (male) golfers I have ever encountered. They were only playing 7 holes (that's about £15 a hole), had cut in in front of me and they were going to get their money's worth despite the wind and the occasional heavy horizontal rain shower. One of the four had a very prissy, short little step-as if he (and this started my train of thought) had something rammed up his singular of anii. This affliction, or obstruction, or insertion or whatever made a slow walker a very, very , very slow walker. Nor had any of them sense of etiquette. Left their trollies in front of the green, chatted whilst they putted, cleared the green at snail like pace. They could easily have waved me through but just could not be bothered.THey left great chasms in the bunkers and lots of partially smoked cigarettes scattered around the tees having, not surprisingly taken about ten minutes to light one in the fierce wind-and then the rain promptly put them out. Good. But very time consuming.
So it was when the last of the quarter reluctantly minced off the last green, making a rather contemptuous flick of his wrist in my general direction as if to say-your turn Grandad, that I remembered the correct plural of Anus.Arseholes.