The Right Stuff

'We are coming to empty your septic tank' said the cheery voice on the phone' (15-0) 'I have not got a septic tank' said Huttonian (Game and first set)) ' We are coming anyway. Be with you in twenty minutes' ( Final two sets and match)

And they were. It was Scottish Water. And they wanted our cottages rather than the Old Manse and there is indeed a septic tank. I had forgotten that 5 years ago in a fit of panic after a major crap mountain crisis I had signed a maintenance contract for the tank after Scottish Water had emptied it (or the rest of the contents which had not seeped out) Being a quiet day SW had decided on their own initiative to come and catch up with 5 years of effluent.

Welcome. Carpe Diem. Problem. They had the 8 wheel mammoth tanker. It could not get up Kirk Lane. It could barely reach the Village Hall. Nothing daunted the (S)Hit Team looked at the tank. 'I well remember the last time' said (S)HT 1. Eyes misting with nostalgic enthusiasm. 'We brought the tanker over the Glebe Field and emptied the tank from over the back fence. Magic' Not today though-it had been heavily ploughed three days ago and had rained hard since. But they enjoyed a good poke round.' Lots of mince suppers in here' Said (S)HT 2 'And this is cooking fat' shoving a hard grey dripping substance in my general direction for a closer look. Anyhow it's working well. 'Should do for another year. Give us a bell after the next harvest and we will bring Tessie the Tanker over the field and Jock's your uncle'

I was then given a crash course on crisis management involving bamboo canes (three tied together) and making sure I poked the right hole-not the big one but a smaller one to the west of it...and never use a plunger..that compacts not clears.' 'Gottit?'
I did.

After a history of Scottish Water-previously Borders Sewerage, previously East Berwickshire Water, previously Eden Garden Water Works etc etc they went on their merry way-'See you next year' they bellowed cheerfully.

I saw them this morning. Just could not leave it alone. There was the Small Tanker and the large suction hose. 10 minutes sucking and gurgling (and the lorry helped as well) Jock was indeed my uncle. ' Why come today? Not that I am complaining' 'You are selling up and you should always have any tanks cleared afore ye goe' Said (S)HT3 (the small tanker driver)

Now there is service for you. So I can sell up with a clear conscience.

And a clear tank.

With a bit of luck I will never need never to use a plunger.

Compact not clear. Don't you forget.

(No image of processed/ semi digested mince meat available or of 5 year old cooking fat-Flickr has its limitations: so I offer the next best ingredient-mind you the label might not look quite like that after a few years underground)

Labels: Old Manse, Scottish Water, Septic tanks

  ¶ 11:11 AM