SPOOK BUSTERS?

"Q Here" the Quartermaster of Fishwick Special Branch has drawn Huttonian's attention to an ad on the front page of the Gerdian which asks : 'Where else could you Travel the World and Witness History in the Making?" No, not a puff for British Airways but for "Operational Officers" in MI6 aka SIS. If you want to know more, sure you do, go here

It reminds me of a much better drafted Army Recruiting Poster current in the 1950s:

'Join the British Army. Go to Exciting and Exotic countries. Meet Exciting and Exotic People.

And Kill them'

Someone told me that this was a spoof. Having been in Operation Musketeer in 1956

I am not so sure

In the meanwhile and assuming you have nothing better to do try the Virtual Tour on the SIS website. I am sure the charming lady taking you around here, the official Spooksperson, as it were ,will make you consider a career change?

Failing that there is always Second Life

(I am told that this building was originally intended for Fishwick but failed to get
Planning Permission despite Big Jim F' support. It now houses FSB's sister organisation in the Vauxhall area)

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, MI6, SIS

  ¶ 10:44 AM (0) comments

 
(Very) Late Road Flash

Rhoda Hogg writes:



Users of the B6437 are advised to take great caution when driving along certain stretches because of an SBC plot to obscure the road markings with light grey gravel to such a depth as to make skidding very likely. The section due north of Whitsome village is one such, while the section south of the junction with the B6461 Berwick-Swinton road is lethal. Please drive along this stretch with your windows shut because speeding 4x4s are seriously kicking up the dust. There is also a section of gravel gouged away at the junction with the Norham road. Perhaps someone has been nicking it for their driveway? – SBC have certainly spread more than enough.

Users of the B6461 have the usual warnings when passing Paxton, which seems to be a magnet for every whacko motorist/bike rider in the county. Drivers are also warned that the current warn weather has led to a proliferation of repulsively lycra-clad cyclists, with or without pointy helmets. If you need to stop to be sick, please do so in a safe place. There are tourists stopping in strange places to take pictures of each other.

The final hazard is hedge cutting operations, most of which are taking place without appropriate warning signage. However, for the first time ever a few days ago, one warning sign was seen for the stretch near Fishwick. There’s a first time, etc…..

Inspector Jock Dangling-Stick of the Fishwick Special Branch comments:

" These of course were not tourists (almost unknown in the area)-but Special Branch Officers in undercover mode ' Operation Pussy Cats Claw" Other operatives disguised as lycra clad cyclists were withdrawn as being too conspicuous - No Respectable Borderer would be seen in daylight cycling wearing anything else than old cords, cloth cap and wellies. (NRB would not seen at night as they don't believe in using lights)Although no terrorists were apprehended two Hedge Cutting Consultants were taken into custody for failing to display warning signs in the vicinity of the notorious blackspot on the Fishwick bypass."

(The image is sent in by a recent visitor to Fishwick-note a number of Chinese tourist buses seem to have caught up in the gridlock)

Labels: B6437, B6461, Fishwick Special Branch, Rhoda Hogg

  ¶ 8:07 PM (0) comments

 
Nothing happened in Hutton, horror

Huttonian knew it would happen-habitual bloggees from the Hutton, Paxton and Fishwick catchment area have formally complained-or at least one has, that the Blog is BORING as its focus has moved away to Duns. Where are the snows of yesteryear-or as that excellent if reluctant linguist Farmer C might put it 'Ou est les nieges d'antan?'. The trouble is that although little happened in the greater Hutton metropolis while we were there, the little there was provided good blog material. I assume that little is still happening in our old happy hunting grounds but it is difficult to detect at this distance-indeed it was often difficult to detect even when under our noses-the slurry from Hutton Hill always excepted. On a recent visit to Hutton I inquired about recent happenings-'nothing' to report. Except, of course, apart from an attempted break in at JR's , a slightly vandalised car blamed on the frustrated thieves and slurry wagon shedding its noisesome load in Hutton Main Street. Thats a lot of nothing by Hutton standards and your faithful chronicler nearly missed it.

I had asked Fishwick Special Branch* to keep me informed of significant developments but under their rules I no longer 'need to know' as I am now outwith. So Farmer C and other bloggees, Huttonian is dependent on good information about the local scene-my previous network of informers have been pensioned off or left the locality

So up to you matees.

* A FSB spokesman also explained that they have been deprived of their counter terrorist role and asked to concentrate on (undercover)traffic duties in the Fishwick
Bypass area; bad news for those scores of Tweed bound fishermen who daily jam the roads with their 4x4s hurtling around the infamous dangerous corner hell bent on scaring the living daylights out of gentle countryfolk:

WHAT DO WE WANT?

THE FISHWICK BYPASS.

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

NOW

(The image is a FSB/Hutton Think Tank computer generated image of traffic through Fishwick in late 2009 if the bypass is not built by then)

Labels: Boring, Fishwick Bypass, Fishwick Special Branch

  ¶ 9:37 AM (1) comments

  Winston Wuz (nearly) here

Churchill's secret bunker reconstructed in Coldstream


Trevor puts war items on display

is a headline in the Berwickshire about an addition to the sights of the well trodden tourist trail for visitors anxious to sample the delights of the Borders 'First Toon' Those who can't be bothered to visit the genuine article in Whitehall need only to visit Coldstream to see a genuine reconstruction:




AN old Coldstream Guard billet is the new home for a display of war memorabilia collected by an enthusastic ex-serviceman.
Trevor Brunning has made a reconstruction of Winston Churchill's secret bunker for World War Two alongside other war items downstairs from his army clothing shop on Coldstream's High Street.
Along with the sights of WWII, there are also the sounds, with Sir Winston's gravelly voice being played out along with authentic radio bulletins.
If you didn't know better, you would have thought you were in the 1940s.

reads the article, in part.

If you didn't know better and were of a certain generation you might think you were near Hutton. (Well nearer Hutton, Coldstream is not that far away) Some time ago, so it is said,the Hutton Think Tank, with technical assistance from the military experts of Fishwick Special Branch, constructed a replica of the Churchill Bunker with genuine cigar butts scattered around. It was in fact so secret, much more so than the original, which is clearly signposted in King Charles Street, SW12AH,that it has been completely lost. The map of how to find it was destroyed for security reasons and the original designer is rumoured to have been last sighted either in Kosovo or Basra-or it could be Helmand Province-but is now officially missing and therefore assumed to be living off the proceeds of an insurance policy in Panama, or something.

Anyone who can find the bunker will be warmly thanked by the highheidyins of the HT2
and FSB. Plus a free season ticket good for four visits. At least.

Labels: Churchhill's Bunker, Coldstream, Fishwick Special Branch, Hutton Think Tank

  ¶ 9:40 AM (2) comments

  Under the Freedom of Information Act we have managed to secure a previously unpublished image of Fishwick Special Branch's covert 'out house' at Abbey St Bathan's-see post immediately below.
Its cover as a child's tree house, like the leaves concealing it, was blown some time ago.

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, Terrorism

  ¶ 10:54 AM (0) comments

 
Hutton Ready for Terrorist Strike

The Fishwick Special Branch is digesting the implications for their bailiwick of the forthcoming West Report in the light of Mr Brown's remark They will be guided by the following considerations:

(a) 'Anywhere' includes Hutton, Paxton and Fishwick.
(b) 'Crowded Locations' include the Cross at the weekend and Fishwick traffic infested streets at all times
(c) Transport Networks is/are the No 32 Bus. Volunteers for riding Shotgun may be called for
(d) Unobtrusive security measures to be fitted into any prominent new buildings such as the McMansions on Farmer C's land and any new creations such as that monument to good taste now mostly erected at Dorranfield
(e) Blast proof curtains to be considered for the village halls and the removal of disabled access to frustrate disabled terrorists.

Post Office Security to be reexamined: Bullet proof screens and electronic queueing a possibility. Body searches of pensioners under 60* may be suggested.

The story as carried on AOL is as follows


Britain could be hit by terrorist attacks "anywhere from any place", the Prime Minister has warned.

Gordon Brown was speaking ahead of the release of two major security reviews.

Home Office Minister Lord West has completed an inquiry into security at crowded locations across the UK, including sporting venues, shopping centres and transport networks.

His report is expected to highlight areas where more must be done to protect the public from possible attacks.

But it will also warn that security measures should not disrupt everyday life.

Architects are also expected to be told to integrate counter-terrorism measures in major new buildings, but in a way which makes physical measures such as barriers as unobtrusive as possible.

The review is believed to be too sensitive to publish in full, and today's publication will include only general conclusions and limited points.

The second study, led by Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O'Donnell, examined whether police and other staff could be included in the new border force, which is designed to strengthen security at ports and airports.

The Prime Minister announced a new uniformed border force would bring together the Home Office's Border & Immigration Agency, Customs and the UK Visas overseas operation.

"Terrorism can hit us anywhere from any place," Mr Brown wrote in The Sun.

Citing the July 7 bomb attacks on London, he added: "But just as the terrorists use every method and the very freedoms we enjoy to kill or maim people, so we must also adopt new tools to beat the terrorists, secure our borders and create a safe global society."

He said Lord West's report contained "key recommendations for the protection of our national security" but physical protection had to go alongside improved community relations.

"It is a battle we will have to fight street by street, community by community and year by year. But standing together, resolute and calm, we can win it," Mr Brown insisted.

We hope life in these parts will not to be too disrupted and fighting street by street community by community will not be overly time consuming in this rural and under populated region. But if we spend too much time standing together, albeit resolute and calm, well then nothing

will ever get done.

* How many Pensioners under 60? Blog-Ed

PS the image in the top left corner has been obscured for security reasons being too sensitive to publish in full-it is thought to be a previously unknown picture of Fishwick Special Branch's Abbey St Bathan's outpost

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, Terrorism

  ¶ 9:50 AM (2) comments

 
Huttonian offers the following item from a (deadly serious) academic web site to which he makes the odd (but not odd as this) contribution on Middle East matters


Bay Area FBI agents wanting to find Iranian secret agents data-mined grocery store records in 2005 and 2006, hoping that tahini purchases would lead them to domestic terrorists, according to Congressional Quarterly's Jeff Stein. The head of the FBI's criminal investigations unit - Michael Mason - shut down the Total Falafel Awareness program, arguing it would be illegal to put someone on a terrorist watch list for simply sticking skewers into lamb, Stein reports.

Like Hansel and Gretel hoping to follow their bread crumbs out of the forest, the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists.

The idea was that a spike in, say, falafel sales, combined with other data, would lead to Iranian secret agents in the south San Francisco-San Jose area.

The brainchild of top FBI counter terrorism officials Phil Mudd and Willie T. Hulon, according to well-informed sources, the project didnt last long. It was torpedoed by the head of the FBI's criminal investigations division, Michael A. Mason, who argued that putting somebody on a terrorist list for what they ate was ridiculous and possibly illegal.

A check of federal court records in California did not reveal any prosecutions developed from falafel trails.

It's not clear how the FBI got the records to sift through in the first place - did grocery stores volunteer the data or get served with national security letters or the dread Section 215 of the Patriot Act.



The FBI need a bit more grooming on Middle Eastern cuisine. If they were after Iranians they were targeting the wrong food. Tahini and Falafel are Lebanese/Levantine dishes-not Iranian! Rather like the item in the Fishwick Special Branch files when in the 1980s Berwickshire shops were targeted in similar way-any one buying excessive amounts of potatoes were suspected of 'Irish sympathies' and liable for a spell in the Maze.** (Operation Market Garden Revise)

Or so one of my informants was told by a certain Pa**ick Fl**n* not far from the Cross Inn late Friday night

(* full name concealed at the request of the informant)

No, confused of Coldingham, Maze as in detention centre near Lisburn, not as in Amazing Maize Maze as in Fishwick


IMAGE is of a Felafel Trap set by FBI agents-thanks to our mole.

Labels: FBI, Fishwick Special Branch, Irish Terrorism, Middle East

  ¶ 1:44 PM (2) comments

 
Surge Horror. Hutton safe*.

When its not the BBC Blether Centre terrifying the living daylights out of us with Severe Weather Warnings-maps covered in blazing red promising disruption and carnage on the roads should you dare to step outside, its the Environment Agency, borrowing the language of George W Bush predicting a massive 'surge' not in Baghdad but in our own dear North Sea. Huge walls of water varying from 18 inches above normal (Junior Agency Spokesman, Paisley jersey and dirty sneakers)) to 10 feet (very senior EA guy with expensive mac and brown wellies) roaring down the coast devouring the unwary and wiping out East Anglia as winds roared and tides rose to heights not seen since the Coronation. Never mind East Anglia and the other bits that stick out the whole East Coast was threatened (surprisingly no mention of Lindisfarne,perhaps that was evacuated or sunk earlier) No mention of Hutton either. We are only 6 miles from the north sea and vulnerable to flooding in the Whiteadder gorge (only a mere 100 feet below the centre of the village) but no doubt SEPA made sure that the Whiteadder Dam had a couple of extra barriers in place so some of us could sleep with easy consciences. Not all of us possibly as Hutton Think Tank aided by Fishwick Special Branch personnel had Plan C : Evacuation Code Word Reassurance in operation whereby The Trauma Team went around the community at 2am, knocking on doors to tell people

to stay where they were (Op. Noah's Arc Revised Two-on hold)


Only a handful of casualties have been reported as result of this exercise. And a bit like East Anglia, Hutton is

still there. (When I last checked)


People in Kent however are advised to remain vigilant.


* So far


(The image is a computer generated mock up of Hutton Main street following a failure in the Whiteadder Barrier)

Labels: BBC Blether Centre, Environmental Agency, Fishwick Special Branch, Hutton Think Tank, Surge

  ¶ 9:54 AM (0) comments

 
Forged notes discovered is a small headline on page 98 or so of the Berwickshire


A 22-YEAR-OLD woman was found to be in possession of two forged Bank of Scotland £10 notes when stopped by police at about 2am on Saturday, October 27, in Northburn Road, Eyemouth.
A report will be submitted to the procurator fiscal and police are advising businesses in the are to remain alert in case there are any more forged notes in circulation.


One wonders, does not one, what on earth possessed the Eyemouth Police to stop a 22 year old woman at 2am on a Saturday morning on the off chance that they might find forged £10 notes. Did they search her? Or Did she offer to bribe them and they noticed the forgery?

It could have course been thanks to a tip off from Fishwick Special Branch who in a recent dawn (Sunday) swoop found a number of notes issued by the Bank of Scotland. These were said to be excellent forgeries, state of the art stuff and would have gone undetected if one smart eyed sleuth had not spotted that they were for £7 each. And he only noticed this after he had paid for a couple of packs of fags at Sir Morrisons later that day with the proceeds of the raid and got some unusual currency in his change: Two

Three Pound Notes. Allegedly

Fishwick SB have issued this image of a suspect whom they believe can help them with their enquiries with regard to an unusual method of money laundering

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, Forged currency, Sir Morrison's

  ¶ 9:35 PM (0) comments

  MORE RUBBISH

Over a week ago Huttonian posted about a letter in the Berwickshire wondering whether the recycling system in the Borders was actually working. Here is SBC's response

SIR,- In your letters pages last week, Tim Culham from Greenlaw speculated that separating materials for collection by the council is a waste of time.
I can assure your readers that the bag system adopted by the council works very well. The bags are designed to survive the trip in our collection vehicles and bar one or two all do. The plastic bag is stronger than most (try it!) and is itself recyclable. The material is brought to our transfer stations and sent on to a specialist processing company in north east England for recycling.
Mr Culham may have seen loose cardboard and paper in collection vehicles - this has probably come from trade waste collections on the same route not burst bags. The point of recycling is threefold: it encourages the re-use of precious resources, it prevents the environmental damage of landfill and it saves money. My staff would be pleased to meet with a reporter (and Mr Culham) to show exactly how we manage the process.
CALLUM HAY,
Director of Technical Services,
Scottish Borders Council.

We are trying to get collateral from Fishwick Special Branch about an undercover operation they launched to check on the recycling methodology following reports that TRIAD gangs and their Gangmasters were corruptly involved in the recycling trade selling Berwickshire cardboard to Chinese Land Fill sites which have a quota to be met by the opening of the Beijing Olympics . One of the operatives cunningly concealed himself disguised as waste paper (purple bag) to track one of the suspect lorries.


He has not reported back.

That was last Friday

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, Recycling

  ¶ 11:40 AM (2) comments

  How Green is our Valley?

SIR, - I observe in Greenlaw, and presumably it happens elsewhere too, that the different coloured bags of carefully separated waste (paper and card; plastic and tins) are all thrown into the same waste cart and are scrunched up together. The bags burst, with the result that all the contents become mixed up.
I wonder, therefore, what the point is. I think it would be an excellent idea if one of your reporters followed the waste to see where it goes, how it is treated, to where it is then taken and whether it is actually recycled at all.
I suspect that it is all taken out of Berwickshire to another site, moved on again and then not actually recycled. But, so far as everyone is concerned, all the recycling criteria are met.
I do believe that increasingly there is a divide between rhetoric and delivery at every level of government, public service and business.

writes a Greenlaw man to tomorrow's Berwickshire Fishwick Special Branch have revealed under the Freedom of Information Act (30 Day Rule) that one of their operatives attempted to follow a waste collection vehicle to see what actually happened to the contents. Mission aborted as the front tyre of his squad bike was punctured by debris falling from the back of the lorry. It proved to be a piece of recyclable plastic (PET Mark 1)

Ironic. Or What?

Labels: Fishwick Special Branch, Merse, Recycling

  ¶ 5:41 PM (2) comments

 
Huttonian does not normally bore bloggees with cut and post jests (apart from the letter column of the Berwickshire) but I cannot resist passing on the sad tale of the paranoic Dinger -possibly part of the entourage of the self styled Regent of Scotland-but no names no pack drill as my grandfather's RSM used to say.

Anyhow Dinger X had a fixation that his every move was watched by MI6, MI5, Fishwick Special Branch and in months with a 'r' in them, by the CIA and FBI as well. A kind friend felt that Dinger X needed a break from hothouse conspiracy ridden Duns and took him for a fun filled holiday in distant Ber Wick where our Dinger friend had never been before. He went with some reluctance, especially as it was across the border, but what with the bracing sea air, the friendly sea gulls and the frequent display of the Saltire despite long years of English occupation, he started to perk up. When they came to Wallace Green he was attracted by a large diagrammatic map of the town showing all places of interest. Suddenly he froze and went white-and with a trembling finger pointed to a square box on the map with a large black arrow which said:

YOU ARE HERE

And then gasped out:

'How do they know that?'

(I have no images-for security reasons-of Wallace Green but the one above is of one of the seats on Ber wick walls much used by visiting spies in months with an 'r' in them)

Labels: Berwick, Dingers, Fishwick Special Branch

  ¶ 10:09 AM (1) comments

  Borders is a safe place to live is the headline in today's electronic Berwickshire. As seen fron Norn Iron where crime has increased since the end of the 'Troubles' this seems self evident. Just compare the offences dealt with by Sheriff Kevin of Duns with the wide range of really serious crime reported in the County Down press which carry several pages of offences including in this week's Mourne Observer a Samurai sword wielding guy running amok in a local pub. In this case the assailant was so intoxicated that he could not make any sense until the following day. Being value conscious Norn Iron he may well have been complaining about being overcharged for his two pints of Guinness and a packet of fags. A crime passionelle by local standards

THE Scottish Borders had one of the lowest recorded number of housebreakings in Scotland in the past year, a Scottish Government report has revealed.
The region saw only 14 break-ins per 10,000 of the population, with only the Shetland Islands, Western Isles and Orkney Islands seeing fewer properties being illegally entered for 2006/2007.
The national average for Scotland was 40 per 10,000, with Aberdeen witnessing the highest number of reported cases of housebreaking, with 82 per 10,000.
The Scottish Borders was also below the national average for other crimes. Four serious assault's per 10,000 of the population took place compared to a Scottish average of 13, while incidents of carrying an offensive weapon were at 11, nine below the medium.
Cases of vandalism were recorded at 173 within the area, with a typical Scottish region recording 238.
A number of other crimes recorded - such as sexual crimes of violence and crimes of dishonesty - were also less likely to occur in the Borders than the majority of other Scottish district's.
Lothian and Borders Police Divisional Commander Charles Common said: "This is a good news story for the Borders. It confirms that this is one of the safest parts of the country to live in.
"Figures reflect both the support we receive from the public and the hard work of my staff."

Fishwick Special Branch are considering either voluntary liquidiation or going over to traffic duties

Labels: crime Borders., Fishwick Special Branch, Norn Iron

  ¶ 12:37 PM (0) comments