Musings from the Merse
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thank you Erase for this image of the Royal County Down(PBUI) And not an aerial shot in the usual sense but taken, on terra firma from high up on the Mournes. For a temporarily (one hopes) incapacitated Huttonian this is is a sight to salivate over all the way from Duns. If you can click on the largest size you can see four players striding up the tenth fairway chatting happily perhaps blissfully unaware of the huge drive over the sand dune that faces them at the 11th (just over right hand portion of the clubhouse-clubhouse I said, not the Slieve Donard Hotel in the foreground) Most of both courses is covered by this photograph and my feet itch as I look at it
How does Newcastle compare with Duns(MPBUI)Well the RCD regularly features in the top three courses in the world. Duns in the top ten in the Borders.
Does that answer your question?
And where does Duns score over Newcastle?
The absence of bloody caravans-see at top of picture.
Come friendly bombs etc
How does Newcastle compare with Duns(MPBUI)Well the RCD regularly features in the top three courses in the world. Duns in the top ten in the Borders.
Does that answer your question?
And where does Duns score over Newcastle?
The absence of bloody caravans-see at top of picture.
Come friendly bombs etc
Labels: Duns Golf, Royal County Down
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Manners Makyth Mower Man
But they don't at Duns Golf Club (MPBUI)where to ordeal by Cardiac Three, Torture by visiting four ball you can add terminal frustration by Green Keeper. Not I hasten to add, the Gnarled Old Green Keeper (GOGK) who knows a thing or two and has survived to a ripe old age by never turning his back on an advancing golf match. But the two very young, very callow assistants may not live to enjoy their pensions or the award of Gold Albert for n plus 7 years of undetected misdemeanours. Their technique is to stolidly ignore any golfer, drive up and down the middle of the fairway plugged into i-pods, slowly mowing the green you are approaching and stolidly ignoring any attempt to alert them to your presence. If you wish to finish the same day you started out on then you must play over them, round them or at them on the assumption that you are not a good enough golfer to hit such a comparatively smallish and moving target.
Manners and communication with members of the club is not Callow Youths' forte. The other day one of the two when cornered on the 16th Green actually took out his ear piece and turned off the engine and waited with intense impatience for us to putt out. To speed up things I had very carefully laid my light summer bag (with six clubs) beside my ball as I lined up the Putt. 'DON'T DO THAT' yelled CY 'YOU MUST NEVER PUT YOUR BAG ON THE GREEN. IT CAN DAMAGE IT (This line he spoke from a two ton tractor which had spent the last twenty minutes on said green)
I smothered and bit back 23 obvious retorts relating to manners and respect, 22 profanities of a similar ilk and a number of reflections on being born out of wedlock
Moved my bag to the safety of the pock marked fairway.
I lined up my putt again.
I missed.
So did my partner as CY revved up and replaced ear pieces
Next time I see him on the green I am not playing directly at him
And then I might, just might, teach him a thing or two about
Pains on the Posterior
(with a nice little Titleist indentation on the right buttock)
But they don't at Duns Golf Club (MPBUI)where to ordeal by Cardiac Three, Torture by visiting four ball you can add terminal frustration by Green Keeper. Not I hasten to add, the Gnarled Old Green Keeper (GOGK) who knows a thing or two and has survived to a ripe old age by never turning his back on an advancing golf match. But the two very young, very callow assistants may not live to enjoy their pensions or the award of Gold Albert for n plus 7 years of undetected misdemeanours. Their technique is to stolidly ignore any golfer, drive up and down the middle of the fairway plugged into i-pods, slowly mowing the green you are approaching and stolidly ignoring any attempt to alert them to your presence. If you wish to finish the same day you started out on then you must play over them, round them or at them on the assumption that you are not a good enough golfer to hit such a comparatively smallish and moving target.
Manners and communication with members of the club is not Callow Youths' forte. The other day one of the two when cornered on the 16th Green actually took out his ear piece and turned off the engine and waited with intense impatience for us to putt out. To speed up things I had very carefully laid my light summer bag (with six clubs) beside my ball as I lined up the Putt. 'DON'T DO THAT' yelled CY 'YOU MUST NEVER PUT YOUR BAG ON THE GREEN. IT CAN DAMAGE IT (This line he spoke from a two ton tractor which had spent the last twenty minutes on said green)
I smothered and bit back 23 obvious retorts relating to manners and respect, 22 profanities of a similar ilk and a number of reflections on being born out of wedlock
Moved my bag to the safety of the pock marked fairway.
I lined up my putt again.
I missed.
So did my partner as CY revved up and replaced ear pieces
Next time I see him on the green I am not playing directly at him
And then I might, just might, teach him a thing or two about
Pains on the Posterior
(with a nice little Titleist indentation on the right buttock)
Labels: Callow Youths, Duns Golf, Green Keepers
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
OXYMORON # 432 Gentleman Golfer
Today's Scottish Review carries an article here on one of Alba's greatest sons and a golfing giant all but forgotten by the modern Scottish golfer. How one wishes that some of the players at Duns Golf Club (MPBUI)had a tenth of the instinctive courtesy of 'Gentleman' John Panton. Take this morning. Out at 8 to be well ahead of the Cardiac Three we were minding our own business approaching the 13th Green when two balls in quick succession came over the blind summit landed on the spot we had just vacated. Good long drives but hit without any thought of possible consequences and before we had time to bang the bell to indicate that the fairway had cleared. 'Send not out to ask for whom the bell tolls. It nearly tolled for us' I should have said to the two geezers who stood in a marked many glaring in our general direction as we putted out. We drove off at the 14th and then waited to allow them through 'Please play through' I said' We will feel much safer that way' No reaction; certainly not a thanks; they had their due for being better golfers in a hurry and no more.
I said before they drove off that they would find our balls on the fairway. In the middle as it happened.
Not impressed indicating that we might find their balls on the green.
I am delighted to report that they didn't find their balls at all. The field to the right of the fairway swallowed them up.
WE walked on shouting as we walked past their frantic efforts to look for the buried Titleist 2s 'Do you mind if we play on?'
Grunts and muffled curses did not reach us against the wind.
They did not bother us again.
May still be there.
Today's Scottish Review carries an article here on one of Alba's greatest sons and a golfing giant all but forgotten by the modern Scottish golfer. How one wishes that some of the players at Duns Golf Club (MPBUI)had a tenth of the instinctive courtesy of 'Gentleman' John Panton. Take this morning. Out at 8 to be well ahead of the Cardiac Three we were minding our own business approaching the 13th Green when two balls in quick succession came over the blind summit landed on the spot we had just vacated. Good long drives but hit without any thought of possible consequences and before we had time to bang the bell to indicate that the fairway had cleared. 'Send not out to ask for whom the bell tolls. It nearly tolled for us' I should have said to the two geezers who stood in a marked many glaring in our general direction as we putted out. We drove off at the 14th and then waited to allow them through 'Please play through' I said' We will feel much safer that way' No reaction; certainly not a thanks; they had their due for being better golfers in a hurry and no more.
I said before they drove off that they would find our balls on the fairway. In the middle as it happened.
Not impressed indicating that we might find their balls on the green.
I am delighted to report that they didn't find their balls at all. The field to the right of the fairway swallowed them up.
WE walked on shouting as we walked past their frantic efforts to look for the buried Titleist 2s 'Do you mind if we play on?'
Grunts and muffled curses did not reach us against the wind.
They did not bother us again.
May still be there.
Labels: Bad golfers, Bad mannered golfers, Duns Golf, Sex and Violence Borders
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Ou sont Les Nieges D'anton
No not to day but it would have been better than the high temperatures and the 120% humidity of this morning; almost too hot to play golf at 9am for goodness sake. I decided not to play 18 with the husband of one of first bloggees (met for the first time after 12 years as almost neighbours)and he wanted a full round so I wilted around 9 cursing the absence of a water bottle. As I got to the 18th a young green keeper was hurrying up the First astride his All Terrain Coarse Course Cutter. Swaddled up in heavy waterproofs and a Life boat Coxswain's hat.
'Aren't you a bit hot in that?' I yelled above the roar of his Rolls Royce type super- charged engine,
'Bloody cold at this speed' he said
This speed? 4mph down hill
What does he wear in January?.
No not to day but it would have been better than the high temperatures and the 120% humidity of this morning; almost too hot to play golf at 9am for goodness sake. I decided not to play 18 with the husband of one of first bloggees (met for the first time after 12 years as almost neighbours)and he wanted a full round so I wilted around 9 cursing the absence of a water bottle. As I got to the 18th a young green keeper was hurrying up the First astride his All Terrain Coarse Course Cutter. Swaddled up in heavy waterproofs and a Life boat Coxswain's hat.
'Aren't you a bit hot in that?' I yelled above the roar of his Rolls Royce type super- charged engine,
'Bloody cold at this speed' he said
This speed? 4mph down hill
What does he wear in January?.
Labels: Duns Golf, Hot weather
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
AUGUSTA MOVE OVER
Playing at Duns (MPBUI_) to day I overheard a guy talking in glowing terms about the Coldstream Golf Club at the Hirsel. Obviously a member he was comparing his course with the inadequacies of Duns-something to do I suspect with going twice into the burns at the front and rear of the short 15th. 'Double Trouble' as it is called. 'Not a fair hole ' he said; would not do for the Hirsel.
'And do you know' he asked the expectant world around the bar 'a golfing magazine called the Hirsel 'The Augusta of the Borders!. There's an endorsement for you!'
' So what has Coldstream in common with Augusta?' asked a some what sceptical bystander ' Has it got lots of flowers and flowering shrubs?
' Well not exactly but it has lots of, er,
trees!'
A bit like Duns
The Hirsel of TD11?
There's an endorsement for you
The image is a notice on the first 9 at Coldstream. I am never quite sure what to expect at this point. Other courses warn you about the danger of balls but golfers.......?
Playing at Duns (MPBUI_) to day I overheard a guy talking in glowing terms about the Coldstream Golf Club at the Hirsel. Obviously a member he was comparing his course with the inadequacies of Duns-something to do I suspect with going twice into the burns at the front and rear of the short 15th. 'Double Trouble' as it is called. 'Not a fair hole ' he said; would not do for the Hirsel.
'And do you know' he asked the expectant world around the bar 'a golfing magazine called the Hirsel 'The Augusta of the Borders!. There's an endorsement for you!'
' So what has Coldstream in common with Augusta?' asked a some what sceptical bystander ' Has it got lots of flowers and flowering shrubs?
' Well not exactly but it has lots of, er,
trees!'
A bit like Duns
The Hirsel of TD11?
There's an endorsement for you
The image is a notice on the first 9 at Coldstream. I am never quite sure what to expect at this point. Other courses warn you about the danger of balls but golfers.......?
Labels: Augusta, Duns Golf, Hirsel Golf
Friday, November 07, 2008
Duns Golf Course (MPBUI) in sunnier times. Like April last year. Today it wasrather muddy coloured. You could drown on some of the fairways and the Life Boat would be welcome on the first fairway-my clerical partner was keeping his spirits up by humming 'For those in Peril on the Sea' It was surprising that the course was open at all. No sign of the green keepers who may have been marooned somewhere.
Before we went out I asked the only other person on the course, paddling across the 18th green how it was 'out there' . He rubbed the mud off his face and said:
'Mucky'
Yorkshire folk used to say 'Where there is muck there's brass'
Around Duns judging from the state of the public park and the Golf Course it should be : Where there is Muck there's Grass.
Before we went out I asked the only other person on the course, paddling across the 18th green how it was 'out there' . He rubbed the mud off his face and said:
'Mucky'
Yorkshire folk used to say 'Where there is muck there's brass'
Around Duns judging from the state of the public park and the Golf Course it should be : Where there is Muck there's Grass.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Some Like it Hot
80F in the car park at Duns Golf Club (MBUI) Unprecedented in my time and reminiscent of golfing in the Gulf. Hot work but at least it keeps the Cardiac Three of the course and huddled around the drinks fridge. Not heat stroke on top of cardiac arrest for these three wise men. But a new menace: Yuff. The juveniles, scores of them and they always seem to be just in front of Huttonian and his partner. Young, yes. Skillful, some are. Vibrant and fast? Fast? The Cardiac Three could out pace them any time. They chat, they text, they retake missed putts, they park their trolleys either on the green or the furthest side from the next tee. They have several practice swings and then change their minds about the club. They argue over their scores whilst we fume behind them. Junior members; who needs them? Grump, Grump, Grump.
Roll back the years. For Yuff read Huttonian and his three golfing friends. 54 holes on the No 2 Course of the Royal County Down (PBUI) was the norm. But one obstacle to our progress. Norn Iron's answer to the Cardiac Three: Quake, Shake and Quiver. One had lost an arm, the second had noticeable tremor'(St Vitus' Dance as it was then called)- a distinguished surgeon as it happened and the third used two clubs as a sort of walking frame. 7 hours for a round on the No 2 Course (we youngsters, juvenile members, were not allowed on the Championship Track)They picnicked in a bunker at the 9th, half way round and never, never asked us through,them even when they had lost a ball and were scouring the gorse bushes in a hopeless quest to save half a crown. To them Juveniles had no 'standing', safely to be ignored The technique was to creep up behind them, hit over their heads, run past them and play on. Naughty I know but at least unlike the local yuff we played fast and never held anyone up. And as for Q, S and S. Two died on the course and the third just after a round. And when he had finished the drink someone else had paid for. In Norn Iron there is no better way to go.
So perhaps my partners and I are Q, S and S revisited. A bit of tolerance to the aspiring Woods and Harringtons is in order. But I wish for Donald's sake they would get
a bloody move on.
(The image is of the bunker at the 15th Very similar to the one at the 9th where Q, S and S used to lunch. Same sort of shape and identical sand. So no need to use your imagination)
Labels: Duns Golf, Quake Shake and, Royal County Down, Yuff
Monday, May 26, 2008
Death by a Thousand Cuts
It is usually quite easy to get on the course at Duns (MPBUI).As long as you can -avoid the Cardiac Three, the lone lady from Gavinton-but she is on the course at 7am so not a problem, the Golfing Societies:those mostly English hackers enjoying the ‘Freedom of the Fairways'-half price Borders golf-ladies day, club competitions, youngsters just out of school, and casual and unexpected visitors, you should be alright. Today as we teed off, as registered, at 2.32 (230 pm was not available as the club offers 8 minute slots irrespective of who else has booked, when, and even if there is no one due in the next two hours)) we seemed to have a clear course in front of us. Bliss.
But suddenly with the abruptness of low flying aircraft the fairways were loud with the sound of motor mowers. Not your bog standard sit -on -and- green- stripe- your- chemically- enhanced- swards but massive, menacing bristling with chattering teeth, roaring, oil vapour farting monsters. Intent in cutting everything in the vicinity and Golfers were a nuisance to be ignored if not mashed underwheel. Playing one shot I had a machine emerging from behind me, heading in my direction at 40 mph – a second in front of me in line of my shot, heading towards me at 39MPH and a third cutting a neat path diagonally across my bows-45MPH with the strong following wind. Apparently 230-4 pm on a Monday is a quiet period with the morning players snoozing in the club house, the cardiac three in intensive care around the bar and the ladies not due out until 5ish. So the quiet period is rapidly converted into a hideously noisy one. Occasionally, very occasionally, the courtesies would be observed and the laughing cavaliers would , rein back their steeds to allow you to take your shot but exhibiting great impatience, revving their 160 bhp engines, dreaming of the Jim Clarke Rally, which one of them may well have won over the weekend in his souped up
yellow striped,balloon tyred mower.
As suddenly as they had come they disappeared. Tea beckoned. Too late for my partner whose nerve was broken and he walked in, to keep an appointment, leaving the course to silence and to me I was just addressing an important shot when suddenly a roar to my left. No not the return of the Gnarled Old Greenkeeper on his mower, but an uncertified idjit in adjoining garden on his adolescent apparatus mowing an already scalped lawn. His start up coincided with my down swing which jerked out of its usual perfect parabola propelled my Titleist 4 into the rain forest to the right of the fairway. I told him what I thought of him in no uncertain terms-but over the roar of his 4.5 litres he heard not a word
But if he can lip read : Sir be assured
I really mean every word about you and your unmarried parents.
(Image is of mower free 12th hole)
Labels: Duns Golf, Jim Clarke Rally, Motor Mowers
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Paradise Postponed
We should have been en route to Norn Iron today for two weeks r&r and golf. But sadly circumstances have conspired against us and we have had to postpone our trip until April. Mind you judging from the Blether Centre's forecast not much golf would have been on offer at the Royal County Down (PBUI) with snow,torrential rain, frost and storm force winds forecast for the first two weeks of February. So,instead, I had a consolation round at Duns (MPBUI). It was barely open with only nine holes playable and the first fairway should not have been-sea like conditions and the poor cardiac three would have been better in rubber dinghies with outboard motors rather than struggling through the marsh with their heavy power trolleys which were snagged up to their axles and barely mobile. The other group of more active golfers just behind us were a four ball when they started off and threatened us with bursts of frantic speed and dark glances' Out of our way Jimmies' We (a two ball) were contemplating letting them through when one of them lost a ball, thus taking the pressure off us.. He frantically searched for the statutory five minutes whilst his three partners stamped their feet impatiently and smoked. They then went on leaving him too it and we never saw him again. Perhaps it was the ball he got for Hogmanay and had no other.
After the round, I sheltered in the club house, soaking wet feet,muddy, frost bitten and wind swept. There on the coffee table was a glossy magazine. On the cover there was a picture of the 9th hole at Royal County Down (PBUI) The caption said 'Arguably the best course in the world. Eat your heart out'
I did.
It tasted bitter
(The image speaks for itself. It's not Duns)
Labels: Duns Golf, Royal County Down
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Interesting viewer around the Old Manse yesterday. She was striking (Not in the Rpyal Mail sense) and somehow familiar: Big Brother? Fantasy Island? Top of the Pops? Crime Watch UK? Antique Road Show? Localish. Based in Eccles or thereabouts. Accompanied by her secretary cum driver? Expensive four wheel drive. Strong southern accent. Spent much of the tour talking on her mobile. (To her agent?) Seemed to like the house but issued no statement on her departure. But did say that 'It was lovely and warm 'An unusual comment-mind you she was wearing a very expensive looking sheep skin designer labelled jacket.
Sincerely meant I am sure but she might not have repeated it to day as it was -0.5C when I left for golf at Duns (MPBUI) It was a balmy 0C when I arrived to find the course closed. We asked someone who just arrived after we did (0845) how long it was likely to be off limits. 'Can't tell. Well after nine. Perhaps Ten. Not worth hanging around. If I was you I'd try later ' My partner and I didn't (hang around, that is) but as I drove off I saw the guy heading purposefully towards the First Tee with his self propelled trolley preceding him. Perish the thought, but was he trying to shorten the queue which would inevitably build up pending the opening of the course? Or was he going to head off regardless;
And didn't want any witnesses?
Sincerely meant I am sure but she might not have repeated it to day as it was -0.5C when I left for golf at Duns (MPBUI) It was a balmy 0C when I arrived to find the course closed. We asked someone who just arrived after we did (0845) how long it was likely to be off limits. 'Can't tell. Well after nine. Perhaps Ten. Not worth hanging around. If I was you I'd try later ' My partner and I didn't (hang around, that is) but as I drove off I saw the guy heading purposefully towards the First Tee with his self propelled trolley preceding him. Perish the thought, but was he trying to shorten the queue which would inevitably build up pending the opening of the course? Or was he going to head off regardless;
And didn't want any witnesses?
Labels: Duns Golf, Selling the Manse
Saturday, October 13, 2007
My regular golfing partner at Duns (MBUI) has only taken to the royal and ancient game fairly recently and has all the enthusiasm and zeal of the true convert. His game has come on impressively in recent months but he still has the capacity to play complete rubbish, albeit for mercifully short periods, for no apparent logical reason. 'Oh Dear. I can't understand it. I was hitting them long and straight on the driving range just yesterday' This after a dramatic slice or a devastating hook-or merely a dispiriting trickle along the fairway.' Topped it' he yells and naughtier comments remain unspoken. A player of impressive verbal reticence even in periods of great pressure such as when his tee shot trickles down the path towards burn no 1 at the short par 3 'Double Trouble' or into Burn No2 after a well hit 5 iron which should have been a soft 8. And then a long, soaring, straight drive and all cares drop away.
Until the next shanked 5 iron.
We had a bitter sweet moment yesterday. We both hit good drives over the marker post at the 16th. When we came over the hill there was one ball perfectly placed away up the fairway-a mere 8 iron from the green. He walked confidently towards the distant speck 'That's far the best drive I ever hit on this hole' A spring in his step a satisfied tilt to his head. The spectral spectators applauded his progress.Doffing his cap he peered at the ball.
It was mine.
There are times you can understand why some people hate the game.
(The image is of the tee shot at the 12th-to the right is the 15th green-double trouble with the two burns fore and aft. The tee is over the hill to the right)
Labels: Duns Golf
Friday, August 31, 2007
Lost Ba' over the Wa'
Playing the par 4 5th, called, irritatingly, 'The Hole in the Wa' in pseudo Border speak-at Duns (MPBUI) we were briefly held up by a chap with a stick, a shovel and a measuring device. Seeing us on the tee he kindly waved us through but without moving from the centre of the fairway-perhaps,he believed, the safest place to be! Trying to send my drive miles over his head I slightly pulled the shot and saw it drop safely just into the rough about parallel to his central position. Safely? Could not find it although the grass was short and the light excellent. 'Its probably in the field' said the surveyor-if that is what he was. 'Certainly not' said I 'It dropped well short' ''Well' he said with the stubborn certainty of the Borderer' That's the way it was heading' To humour him I looked in the field-recently cut it was and a ball would have been highly visible. No sign We reluctantly moved on and highly annoyed I hit my second ball well into the field, over the horizon-and never saw it again. Two balls gone in two shots.
5 holes later we were accosted on the tee by the same guy now roaming the fairways on his buggy. 'What make of ball ' did you lose?' He asked. I told him. He put into my hand. 'In the field it was-couldn't miss it. You gave up too soon' I thanked him through nearly gritted teeth-he roared off and spun on a wheelie turn and returned once more. 'And here is the other one' and tossed it to me. I don't know why I found this so irritating until when he had gone I looked at the second ball.
Not mine.
Much better in fact.
Did I race after him to return his find?
Did I Donald!
Playing the par 4 5th, called, irritatingly, 'The Hole in the Wa' in pseudo Border speak-at Duns (MPBUI) we were briefly held up by a chap with a stick, a shovel and a measuring device. Seeing us on the tee he kindly waved us through but without moving from the centre of the fairway-perhaps,he believed, the safest place to be! Trying to send my drive miles over his head I slightly pulled the shot and saw it drop safely just into the rough about parallel to his central position. Safely? Could not find it although the grass was short and the light excellent. 'Its probably in the field' said the surveyor-if that is what he was. 'Certainly not' said I 'It dropped well short' ''Well' he said with the stubborn certainty of the Borderer' That's the way it was heading' To humour him I looked in the field-recently cut it was and a ball would have been highly visible. No sign We reluctantly moved on and highly annoyed I hit my second ball well into the field, over the horizon-and never saw it again. Two balls gone in two shots.
5 holes later we were accosted on the tee by the same guy now roaming the fairways on his buggy. 'What make of ball ' did you lose?' He asked. I told him. He put into my hand. 'In the field it was-couldn't miss it. You gave up too soon' I thanked him through nearly gritted teeth-he roared off and spun on a wheelie turn and returned once more. 'And here is the other one' and tossed it to me. I don't know why I found this so irritating until when he had gone I looked at the second ball.
Not mine.
Much better in fact.
Did I race after him to return his find?
Did I Donald!
