HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN FIRST CLASS ON NATIONAL EXPRESS?

Indication One:

The Loos are usually 'engaged' despite the carriages being uncrowded.

(more indications to follow)

Gradually National Express are casting off the shadow of GNER (but the crockery is GNER stock as are the handbags and other matching accessories adorning the crew)but one development is that 'Attention Train Crew Disabled Passenger Alarm Activated' is now strangled at its first piercing beat. And the unspoken message is

Disabled Passenger Alarm

Disabled.

That's progress for you

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 12:12 PM (0) comments

  I am indebted to crashcalloway (I hope in his case no pun intended-interesting name for a train buff) for this image of a National Express train, still in GNER colours, at Kings Cross. It may well be the same engine pulling Huttonian to the Big Smoke for some family visiting today. By booking months ahead I have acquired a sort of First Class ticket. 'Sort of' as it is cheapie which does not entitle you to use the First Class lounges at stations but at least you can sit in comfort in the posh bit and have at seat service with seven different vintages of Iron Bru and a Northumberland breakfast all day if the chef is on board. Vox Pop says that the nosh on National Express does not measure up to the old lamented GNER despite, apparently, taking on GNER staff as a job lot-perhaps the old chefs have downed ladles and have gone off in a collective huff to McDonald's.

Will report further if I am spared.

Labels: Big Smoke, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 9:19 AM (0) comments

  National Sloth East Coast

Mistake to speak too ill of National Express, that well known Oxymoron. Their revenge is to take advantage of broken over head power cables* in southron parts to more or less cancel all their services north of Doncaster today. 'We advise you to delay your journey until Friday' is their wise advice. I have three teaching sessions today, Thursday, in Embra so the advice may be wise but not too helpful. I hope that Virgin Cross Country can come to my aid-going north may be possible but as their last train south via Berwick is 1705 and my last tutorial ends at 1800....

One can't help feeling that GNER would have tried a bit harder.

* Do Diesels need overhead power??

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 10:13 AM (1) comments

 
Huttonian, for a special treat, after several hours of pontification at the uni, upgraded himself to First Class from Embra to Ber Wick. If lucky you can claw back some of the extra cost by getting free tea and a shortbread biccie both on leaving Waverley Street and after stopping at Dunbar. But those were the good old days of GNER.

National Express has a different approach to First Class service: No tea trolley with the freebie goodies-just a rather smart 'crew member' with a teapot which ran out just before Dunbar and appeared refilled as we were pulling into Berwick. I got a sip and a scalded mouth as I disembarked.

I was not the only disappointed customer. The very important businessman in front of me, still running his vast empire by mobile phone, hands on stuff and was actually finding few of his underlings contactable-office closed (we are talking 6pm) and they had wisely switched off their phones at home or en route. This he found frustrating. He sought solace in food. He buttonholed the tea pot lady and asked about the Dining Car. Not until Doncaster. No good to me I get off at York. Can I order from the 'At Seat Menu-First Class food in First Class Surroundings. Of course said the TPL. The following dialogue ensued:

VIB : I'll have the Bacon and cheese roll
TPL :Sorry. But I can recommend the scrambled egg baguette.
VIB : What about the Breakfast All Day in a Bun.
TPL : Not available after 5pm
VIB : So its not 'All Day'
TPL : It is- up to 5pm . How about the scrambled egg? I can really recommend it.
VIB : What else have you got?
TPL : Most selections require the presence of our Chef.
VIB: And?
TPL: He does not get on until Doncaster
VIB: I suppose I had better have the ****** Scrambled ******* egg baguette
TPL : If I may say so Sir-an excellent choice

Can we get GNER back

Please!

(thank you Mr Flickr for the one image they have of GNER food. Eat your heart out Nat Express. You might as well with nothing else on offer)

Labels: Embra to Berwick, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 9:37 AM (0) comments

 
According to the Medja as represented in these sticks by The Berwickshire, National Express is not only launching a new diesel 125-the fifth to come into service out of the 13 high speed trains in its stable but also refurbished carriages with complete 'makeovers'. Softer seats, improved back support , folding arm rests, more luggage racks, laminated glass,sparkling vanity units in upgraded toilets ( which you can use when the train 'is standing in the station' ?) and more 'customer friendly' vestibules to read NE's promotional literature in great comfort.

We had little of that on our recent journey south- except the free Internet access. But at a download speed of 18bps (except when going down hill so it took me 15 minutes to open the National Express 'Welcome to' Website)-but even this facility was restricted by the customer indifferent, by your seat, three pin plug sockets not working. I complained to the cheery ticket inspector, aka Deputy (acting) Train Crew Leader. ' Oh you can blame GNER for that' he said. Rather lost interest with the rest of their franchise, I imagine.

No doubt all will work well in the the refurbished rolling stock. Did I say
'No Doubt' ?

Someone told me that National Express have not changed their original slogan:

'ITS BETTER BY BUS'

(Thankyou Jenniferjlea of Flickr for the image: its title is apt:
'Overtaken by a National Express Bus)

Labels: East Coast line, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 10:15 AM (0) comments

  Thankyou adambowie for this image of a National Express engine in its new livery. Sadly not is all changed from the old GNER. The Train Crew stilll gabble from the old scripts-'next station stop' 'Any inconvenience regretted' ' Thankyou for risking your lives in National Express' but a new gradation of tardiness has evolved : 'only very slightly late' (8 minutes and counting-down) a bit better than slighty late running-9 minutes and up to an hour or two.

We started at Berwick slightly late running and arrived at Kings Cross dead on time. (any pleasant surprise much regrertted?)

So no need to use the new excuse:

New Rail company on track.

Yet.

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 5:40 PM (0) comments

 
GNER THE LAST HURRAH?
The train arriving at platform 6 will be split in two claimed our non-stop verbiage slim controller at Kings Cross-reminiscent of the famous announcement : 'The train arriving at platforms 4,5 and 6 is coming in sideways' or, 'the train standing on platform 9 will shortly be replaced on the rails' But our guy was not into schoolboy humour but deadly serious as he give a puff by puff account of each 'movement'. One train to Leeds broke down and the intending passengers had to stand in Queue D until a new train was made ready-and warned not to move from their line as 'I want to know where you are until we need you' The new train did not materialise in our time as the designated platform remained blocked by the malfunctioning one. It in its turn blocked the access to two other platforms-hence, presumably being split into two.(allowing it to be diverted to Euston and St Pancras simultaneously

Advice : Forget Leeds. Go to York and take a bus.

So far so good on the 1100 to Ber Wick. This may be GNER going out on a good note.

At least the on board team leader is mercifully sparing of his announcements
Perhaps he has been cut in two,

Too

PS Back in Hutton after surviving the only slightly late running 'service' I should report that shortly after GNER cut my (apparently Swedish) internet connection in mid-post a rather jolly Guard took over the train announcements from the on board Team Leader (Succumbed to his wounds?) ' This train is entering Newcastle. Hope you had a jolly trip. Best wishes from Captain Flash Gordon and his crew. Its been a real pleasure travelling with youse (sic)'*

* Perhaps you mean hic? Blog-ed

Labels: GNER

  ¶ 11:48 AM (2) comments

  Back down to Lunnon. Apparently still on GNER who show no signs of quitting the East Coast route-even have designed a brand new web site! Where is National Express and why is GNER on the one hand putting in fresh investment and on the other removing therir insignia from trains and timetables?. Perhaps we will go down on GNER and return on National Express.

Hutton Think Tank are looking into it.


Lster. Worst fears realised. GNER is really letting go: Ancient rolling stock. Our carriage has a permenant cold draught, filthy seats, dirty windows. Only the disabled loo is spanking new but the last occupant missed the bowl by several inches so the floor is awash with a large quantity of sodden tissues keeping the Tsumani under partial control. And the Buffetis understocked and closed well before Journey's End for 'stock taking purposes'

Come on National Express. We really need you.

As we left Plastform 2 (on time mirabile dictu} I noticed that a lamp was attached to the engine; 'Not to be moved' in glowing red letters. The lamp or the engine? If the latter it was much

too late for that.

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 8:44 AM (0) comments

  Virgin on the ridiculous


"If you look out of the window you will see that the next station is Penrith. Otherwise keep your eyes shut. If leaving the train at Penrith please do so with your eyes open otherwise you may fall down the gap"

Said the Vigin Train Guard on the Lancaster -Edinburgh 'cross country' 9.57 yesterday.

and approaching Carlisle'

Next station Carlisle: 'If you don't want to go to Scotland, get off. It's your last chance'

And finally as we pulled into Embra Waverley Street:

'That's it Folks. Out you get, smartish, otherwise you'll be lost with the Christmas Mail.'

Good knockabout comedy if a bit wearisome for some of those fellow passengers nursing hangovers after wild nights out in the City of Lancaster. But a great improvement on the badly read, nasally intoned, GNER mumbled announcements which are the hall mark of that crumbling institution:

'Berwick is your next station stop. Take care when alighting from the train that you have all your personal possessions, none of your fellow passewngers' and that your wife does not fall through the gap between the train and the platform in which case any inconvenience is regretted'

Or that wonderful call to inaction:

' Attention Train Crew Disabled Passenger alarm activated'

In this regard National Express can only be better.

Hopefully

Labels: GNER, National Express, Virgin Trains

  ¶ 9:38 AM (0) comments

  Bye Bye GNER

National Express is taking over the franchise for the East Coast route from GNER in November. This news has gone down big in The Cross in Paxton according to what Huttonian was told by a habitue who overheard the news being discussed by two local gents with some intensity.

First Gent ' Hear about National Express?'

Second Gent 'Aye'

FG That will be the way to Lunnon and Embra come November.

SG 'Aye'

FG 'Wonder if they will be faster than GNER'

SG 'Fat Chance'

FG 'Why do you say that?'

SG' Bloody Buses..Bloody slow, especially if they are flippin

Double Deckers

Labels: GNER, Low Flying Merse, National Express

  ¶ 11:39 AM (0) comments

  GNER EARLY SENSATION

Indeed I spilled my Costa Cafe Latte (medium) in shock as the 10.14 Ber Wick to Lunnon train from Embra arrived at 10.09. I was not the only astonished onlooker-a French couple, recognising a linguist when they saw one, asked 'Ce n'est pas le Train pour Londres?'
'C'est ca' I replied ' Incroyable! Le train est tres tot-premature. Vous etes sur?'

' Bien sur.Cette Express de fameux GNER est comme votre Nouveau Beaujolais-il'est arrive' ' Je n'aime pas le nouveau Beaujolais'replied the now appreciative grenouille' Moi, je suis un claret homme, moi-meme'

I was sorry to break off such a promising conversation vinicole but had to help the wife board Coach D, heavily burdened, without spilling her Costa Early Grey-in which I was not entirely successful but there is a buffet car en train-so no matter.

Les Frogs also embarked.They will miss the start of Le Grand Depart of the Tour de France but at least have enjoyed an unprecedented Grande Arrivee at Ber Wick -upon Tweed.

That's something to tell les petits-enfants.

Je me demande.

Labels: Berwick, GNER, Tour de France

  ¶ 11:10 AM (1) comments

  Alarms on the excursions

Coming home from Embra after my last lecture this semester we graced the 1730 Glasga to Lunnon GNER as far as Berwick.Obviously. The familiar and so often repetitive 'Attention Train Crew . Disabled Passenger Alarm activated' sounded out twice before Dunbar and twice after. No one took any notice-as least amongst the crew that I could see-refreshment trolleys trundled, service of dinner called, mind the gap with your not forgotten luggage announced and disabled passenger alarms ignored. As the ticket collector opined clipping my offering:-'On the blink as bloody usual' Halfway to Berwick it sounded a fifth and rather desperate note. Life went on.

Just before a Berwick a very large and very angry man came hissing and puffing down the train. His face was red and his trousers moist in patches. He was very angry. And he was on crutches

And he meant business.

Attention Train Crew :

Disabled Passenger imminent attack alarm activated.

Take cover.

Labels: GNER

  ¶ 9:21 PM (0) comments

  What is GNER's equivalent to the Marie Celeste or the Flying Dutchman? The 1835 from Embra to Newcastle and all stops between. The 1730 to London is heaving as is the 1900 but the 1835. A full length, two football pitches, 20 Routemaster buses, gleaming carriages, State of the art Dr Who capsuled loos. And nary a passenger! Well, I exaggerate slightly. The reserved seats were as usual crammed, hip to hip in one third of an otherwise empty carriage. And a small sprinkling of people bound for Dunbar, Berwick, Alnmouth Morpeth and Newcastle scattered through Coaches A-H. First Class Plush and empty.

A pleasure to ride in it and to wonder why it is so empty. It is meant to feed the local stops generally ignored by the mighty expresses of GNER and the thoughtful meanderings of Virgin.
Who are the 1835 people? Hutton Think Tank needs to do a socio-economic study of these few hardy souls

Hardy? Yes. The restaurant trolley never reaches them from my observation. So few the potential customers seemed to be that presumably Bert and Elspeth, Customer service managers ic Trolley rushed it down to Coach A ignoring any plaintiff cries for refreshments as they speed north. They then settled down for a good chat helping themselves to the odd cup of tea and shortbread to keep them in trim. Passed the journey pleasantly, I am sure.

For them at least.

Labels: GNER

  ¶ 9:12 AM (2) comments