We are roaring through God's own country-well south of Scotland-having arrived earlier from Paris, France, courtesy of Eurostar.Unlike Eurostar Natonal Express is heaving; bog standard FirstClass is full, in contrast to ES's Leisure Select where you have eventualy to wave away the free Champagne which goes a long way in a sparsely occupied compartment

We found ourselves travelling from Gare du Nord with an Australian family who had been next to us in the train going out. To while away a pleasant hour or two I asked the bloke about the current test match at Lords

Don't follow cricket he said.

Bit of a conversation stopper that one.

Now across the table from a garrulous Glaswegian. I bet he follows everything. And being the only passenger without a laptop on he is dying to chat

Me I ll hide my head in the Netbook until Berwick

Labels: Eurostar, Garrolous Glaswegians, National Express

  ¶ 3:55 PM (1) comments

 
HEALTH AND SANITY:EAST COAST EXPRESS

Meeting the youngest daughter off the 1738 at Berwick we were greeted by a station announcement. The next train at Platform 1 (not the 1738, fortunately) is not stopping at this station. For your safety and for the sanity of our driver please keep back from the platform edge'

Apparently even the toughest and most laid back of that elite corps of train drivers employed in the East Coast Line are upset if they strike a waiting passenger as they roar through Berwick. One confirmed kill and they are off work on trauma leave for at least a month, rising by months in multiples of two. So many trains don't stop in Berwick that it must be a place that they whiz through at 100 mph with fingers crossed. Alnmouth will be the most dangerous place on the ECL as the trains stop about once a day but presumably a measure of compensation will be afforded by so few trains few prospective passengers.

Train spotters don't count. Occupational hazard.

Drivers may even get a bonus in these cases.

(The image is of a National Express East Coast crossing the Borders Bridge-wholly within England-preparatory to stopping at Berwick. Or Not; as the whim takes it)

Labels: Insane drivers, National Express

  ¶ 2:35 PM (0) comments

  Roll Over

'Sorry Sir we only have 5 filled rolls left so if you want to be sure you must order one now' said the First Class 'attendant' to the smart looking couple across the aisle. 'But I don't really want to eat my dinner now. Can I order and pay and have it after Newcastle?'.

'Well that's what I would like' said yer man but there is a full crew change at Newcastle and we have to close our books and the new crew start afresh. Food cannot be carried over. So up to you order now or risk disappointment later' As he moved on a heated conversation broke out between the slc as to the timing of dinner.

The attendant reappeared , at- seat- menu in hand. 'We will have a roll each now' said the non distaff (aka Designer stubble) half of the slc.' Sorry Sir. All the rolls are now gone-previous passenger selection' 'Well we will have to wait until Newcastle then' ' Should have mentioned it before but no catering after Newcastle as the crew chef is indisposed* and no food will therefore be on loaded' ' So what have you got?' The menu was consulted' We have one steak left-its quite big so I could split it and happy to compensate with an extra portion of chips-I think we have some left' How do you like your steak? ' 'Medium Rare' said Distaff 'Well Done' said Designer stubble.

' Once Piece of steak!Two culinary approaches.Well that is a challenge for the Chef then'

As I was leaving at Berwick the Attendant was coming carefully down the carriage-two big plates covered in chips and two portions of steak sitting proudly amongst them-at least I assumed it was steak. Difficult to be sure as they were concealed

by the rolls.

Regurgitated or returned? I will never know

* Food poisoning?

Labels: Food on National Express, National Express

  ¶ 9:34 AM (0) comments

  Off Line on Line

Where Virgin Cross country just does not compete with National Express is its inability to provide a blog facility in the form of an Internet connection. Nat Ex is slow enough-my old dial up ISDN line in Hutton seemed faster but at least you can answer one e-mail, write another and the first para of a post between Ber Wick and Embra. The trouble is that the Virgin 1121 to Embra is quite close in time to the 1141 National Express and I had meant to take the latter but I had mistaken the time. A station announcement said something about the train now approaching platform Two so I dashed out of the Waiting Room-the train roared past whisking away the Sports Section of the Grudian which I had retrieved from the waste basket in the Loo. As it dwindled into the distance the Deputy Assistant Operational Train Co-coordinator (Porter in old money) said with some satisfaction 'That train does not stop here' and retreated back into his Office. Job done. I then got onto the next train which did stop and hence the no Internet connection.

I went up to Embra with some misgivings hopeful that the Terrorists in the Blether Centre had lost interest in southern Scotland and were concentrating their efforts on the WINTER STORM due to lay waste Middle England later today.

'Stay Tuned to our TV bulletins' they urged

'Especially during power disruptions'

Labels: BBC Blether Centre, National Express, Virgin Trains

  ¶ 3:55 PM (0) comments

  RELIEF IS NOT EASILY FOUND

at Paris Nord -Gare du Nord in old money. The Loos are disguised as Mr Clean(what does the Academie Francaise make of that) and when you enter, legs crossed, unmentionables clenched you are confronted with a unisex queue-quite long at 1155 am today. Then Messieurs a gauche, Mesdames a droit and One Euro for the his and hers turnstiles. One Euro or 81p (no pun intended) -almost three times Kings Cross. In this case the queue was so slow moving (Try moving fast with lc and uc as well)so I took my custom elsewhere. The Eurostar lounge, a poor relation of St Pancras, but a pee is free and only the ladies have to queue.

And then the contrast between Eurostar Leisure Select and National Express East Coast First class.
For once

Words fail me

Labels: Eurostar, French loos, Mr Clean, National Express

  ¶ 9:16 PM (0) comments

  No we are on the train not photographing it from a level crossing. Thankyou Brufsup. Today we hope to experience the full range of NE's extensive reportoire. Today is a Railtrack dig up the lines week end so we are bussing from Newcastle to Berwick. And as it is a weekend for NE as well as RT the buffet car is any inconvenience regretted. We (cheapie) First Class passengers-strangely few given how cheap it is to get an 'at seat service' But I suspect it is identical to the cold fare being ladled out to the Plebs in Coaches J to A minus (Please Sir I want no more)
In First Class it is served with style and Airline banned metal cutelry
A Geordie lass with a nice smile and a pleasant manner.

Makes up for the food,

A bit

In the meanwhile we are stopping at every possible station.

LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO THE EARLY EVENING


(Eugenie O'Neil has gone by plane)

Labels: First Class, Geordie, National Express

  ¶ 12:49 PM (0) comments

 
Despite a 'Locomotive Problem' at York, National Express deposited Huttonian at Kings Cross only 25 minutes late-'late running service' a grade better on the Railtrack Scale than 'any inconvenience is regretted'. The difficulty at York appeared life threatening to the extent that it was the Locomotive Brake which had a problem. Or as the Service Team Leader (Train Guard in old money) put it: ' The brake is stuck so we are not going anywhere.'

But we did. The resident engineer (York is the best place to break down if you have to) visited the cab, changed the two AAA batteries, flicked a mouse and off we went-inconvenience unregretted but definitely late running

Huttonian and the wife are on a spot of grandparental duty made more pleasurable by a discovery that if you book well in advance its much cheaper to go First Class than 'standard' I had booked one ticket standard and found when doing the other that I could save £30 on a non flexible, no waiting room allowed, First.

So guess who had the First Class ticket?

To be fair the Wife went down the day before. Non stick Brakes. Dead on time.

And tomoorow we both go First. And being a weekend there is the inevitable bus journey involved.

First Class is inside the bus, however.

The image-Ffion and Zoe-thankyou again Erase. Two good reasons for braving brakes and inconvenience)

Labels: Granddaughters, National Express, Palmers Green Lunnon

  ¶ 12:13 PM (0) comments

  Gaming to Glasgow

Picking my way through the dry wilting leaves- Salade Darlington attached to my deep pan side plate size Pizza Del Costa Easta(National Express East Coast First Class at your seat service) I was glad to see that the young Frenchman, right front, had managed in his 'World Doom 2' to safely navigate the Steppes Ardente on his flying stallion, subjugate Chateau Noir des Spooks without dismounting or dematerialising and had earned 3,400 points bonus. In between these sterling deeds he had engaged in a lengthy dialogue on some French Chatroom with an ami into Corsican cooking-it seems- and had also downloaded a panel discussion on a new must have game : Doom Macabre 3' apparently, if I understood the Marseillaise accent correctly much superior to 'World Doom 2' now a bit last April. By the time we got off at Berwick he (destined for Glasgow if he survived Le Mer Mort) had started fighting his way through La Ville Ancienne, armed only with a battle axe and a multipurpose tactical nuclear weapon-and on foot, brave fellow.

Frankly much better than the Guardian as a journey passer.

Labels: Gaming, National Express

  ¶ 4:13 PM (0) comments

 
According to the National Express website we are approaching Peterborough but we passed through York half an hour ago going north so our upload speed of 1 mbs may have something to do with it. Better than in the East India and Sports Club last night when it was so slow that we could not open the club logo page with its warning that gentlemen are obliged to wear jackets and ties at all times even when attempting to log on in the privacy, if not comfort of your own room. But God Bless it it is the only institution left in London which serves prunes at breakfast giving you that proverbial run for your money so turning up to eat in jacket and tie is worthwhile sacrifice; ladies-tailored slacks please, no jeans.

Nat Express 'service' to Ber Wick( inter alios) is full. The Flying Scotsman is stuffed. Sitting room only on floor of the First Class vestibules and the Dining Car has been left behind for technical reasons No one seems to mind; it is a Bank Holiday week end afterall and if you turn up at your destination exhausted asfter standing for four hours -not to worry.

Its what holidays are for, after all.

Labels: National Express

  ¶ 1:14 PM (2) comments

 
NOT FIRST CLASS ENOUGH

Or as the Berwickshire put it in Tomorrow's Paper:

First Class Ticket Second Class Service

is about a couple going to York on a discounted First Class ticket and then being turned away from the First Class lounge on Berwick Station-wrong type of ticket in hand. National Express had the answer:


The supervisor explained this was standard procedure although Lynda, her sister and the other two ticket holders hadn't been told of this rule at any time prior to that day.
"We went assuming we'd get into the lounge and had absolutely no problems getting into the first class carriage on the train or at any other point on our journey."
Commenting on the issue, National Express East Coast spokesman John Gelson said: "Our First Class lounges are a popular facility and to ensure space is available, especially at busy locations such as London King's Cross, our policy is that access is available to holders of full open First Class tickets.
"Our advance purchase discount tickets are an increasingly popular way for customers to try out our First Class service on the trains, but unfortunately we don't have space to accommodate everyone and so we offer the lounge service only to full fare ticket holders and not to those holding discounted advance tickets.
"We publicise this both at the point of booking, which for most advance ticket customers is via our website, and at the lounges."

I was once told by a Station Person (Deputy Assistant Acting Platform Team Manager)that the Berwick First Class lounge is rarely used-months with a K in them- so this seems rather mean. And the only way you can read the notice saying you can't use the lounge, is in the lounge, which you can't go into.

The plans for the soon to be reopened Reston Station includes a First Class lounge, open to all and a standard one, not open to First Class Ticket holders, but will be to those holding discounted First Class tickets. Except on week days.Or Bank holidays.

Social justice at last

The image is a mock up of Reston's proposed First Class Lounge

Labels: Berwick Station, First Class, National Express, Reston Station

  ¶ 9:26 PM (0) comments

  HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN FIRST CLASS ON NATIONAL EXPRESS?

Indication One:

The Loos are usually 'engaged' despite the carriages being uncrowded.

(more indications to follow)

Gradually National Express are casting off the shadow of GNER (but the crockery is GNER stock as are the handbags and other matching accessories adorning the crew)but one development is that 'Attention Train Crew Disabled Passenger Alarm Activated' is now strangled at its first piercing beat. And the unspoken message is

Disabled Passenger Alarm

Disabled.

That's progress for you

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 12:12 PM (0) comments

  I am indebted to crashcalloway (I hope in his case no pun intended-interesting name for a train buff) for this image of a National Express train, still in GNER colours, at Kings Cross. It may well be the same engine pulling Huttonian to the Big Smoke for some family visiting today. By booking months ahead I have acquired a sort of First Class ticket. 'Sort of' as it is cheapie which does not entitle you to use the First Class lounges at stations but at least you can sit in comfort in the posh bit and have at seat service with seven different vintages of Iron Bru and a Northumberland breakfast all day if the chef is on board. Vox Pop says that the nosh on National Express does not measure up to the old lamented GNER despite, apparently, taking on GNER staff as a job lot-perhaps the old chefs have downed ladles and have gone off in a collective huff to McDonald's.

Will report further if I am spared.

Labels: Big Smoke, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 9:19 AM (0) comments

  National Sloth East Coast

Mistake to speak too ill of National Express, that well known Oxymoron. Their revenge is to take advantage of broken over head power cables* in southron parts to more or less cancel all their services north of Doncaster today. 'We advise you to delay your journey until Friday' is their wise advice. I have three teaching sessions today, Thursday, in Embra so the advice may be wise but not too helpful. I hope that Virgin Cross Country can come to my aid-going north may be possible but as their last train south via Berwick is 1705 and my last tutorial ends at 1800....

One can't help feeling that GNER would have tried a bit harder.

* Do Diesels need overhead power??

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 10:13 AM (1) comments

  Wrong sort of Rail company on track. Again


I am glad to be excused lecturing at Embra today as the train companies have gone into a state of collective confusion, if not panic, over the terrible storms issued by the BBC Blether people. Not all companies to be fair, but locally, National Express rival even the cheese eating surrender monkeys: two of their Trains cancelled :'High Winds'. One from Glasgow and one from Edinburgh. Yet somehow the Inverness service, on the same track from Embra, exposed to the same force 22 winds is on time! And the Cross Country (Virgin) from Aberdeen, ditto, ditto, is 3 minutes early. From the website: Here is the evidence http://www.livedepartureboards.co.uk/ldb/sumarr.aspx?T=BWK

ORIGIN TIMETABLE EXPECTED OPERATOR TRAIN

Glasgow Central 11:41 Cancelled National Express East Coast
Aberdeen 11:49 11:46 CrossCountry
Inverness 11:52 On time National Express East Coast
London Kings Cross 12:08 12:10 National Express East Coast
Edinburgh 12:39 Cancelled National Express East Coast

Outside the window gentle Hutton Zephyrs warm the pre-Spring chill

Labels: BBC Blether Centre, National Express, Stormy weather, Virgin Trains

  ¶ 10:52 AM (1) comments

 
Huttonian, for a special treat, after several hours of pontification at the uni, upgraded himself to First Class from Embra to Ber Wick. If lucky you can claw back some of the extra cost by getting free tea and a shortbread biccie both on leaving Waverley Street and after stopping at Dunbar. But those were the good old days of GNER.

National Express has a different approach to First Class service: No tea trolley with the freebie goodies-just a rather smart 'crew member' with a teapot which ran out just before Dunbar and appeared refilled as we were pulling into Berwick. I got a sip and a scalded mouth as I disembarked.

I was not the only disappointed customer. The very important businessman in front of me, still running his vast empire by mobile phone, hands on stuff and was actually finding few of his underlings contactable-office closed (we are talking 6pm) and they had wisely switched off their phones at home or en route. This he found frustrating. He sought solace in food. He buttonholed the tea pot lady and asked about the Dining Car. Not until Doncaster. No good to me I get off at York. Can I order from the 'At Seat Menu-First Class food in First Class Surroundings. Of course said the TPL. The following dialogue ensued:

VIB : I'll have the Bacon and cheese roll
TPL :Sorry. But I can recommend the scrambled egg baguette.
VIB : What about the Breakfast All Day in a Bun.
TPL : Not available after 5pm
VIB : So its not 'All Day'
TPL : It is- up to 5pm . How about the scrambled egg? I can really recommend it.
VIB : What else have you got?
TPL : Most selections require the presence of our Chef.
VIB: And?
TPL: He does not get on until Doncaster
VIB: I suppose I had better have the ****** Scrambled ******* egg baguette
TPL : If I may say so Sir-an excellent choice

Can we get GNER back

Please!

(thank you Mr Flickr for the one image they have of GNER food. Eat your heart out Nat Express. You might as well with nothing else on offer)

Labels: Embra to Berwick, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 9:37 AM (0) comments

 
According to the Medja as represented in these sticks by The Berwickshire, National Express is not only launching a new diesel 125-the fifth to come into service out of the 13 high speed trains in its stable but also refurbished carriages with complete 'makeovers'. Softer seats, improved back support , folding arm rests, more luggage racks, laminated glass,sparkling vanity units in upgraded toilets ( which you can use when the train 'is standing in the station' ?) and more 'customer friendly' vestibules to read NE's promotional literature in great comfort.

We had little of that on our recent journey south- except the free Internet access. But at a download speed of 18bps (except when going down hill so it took me 15 minutes to open the National Express 'Welcome to' Website)-but even this facility was restricted by the customer indifferent, by your seat, three pin plug sockets not working. I complained to the cheery ticket inspector, aka Deputy (acting) Train Crew Leader. ' Oh you can blame GNER for that' he said. Rather lost interest with the rest of their franchise, I imagine.

No doubt all will work well in the the refurbished rolling stock. Did I say
'No Doubt' ?

Someone told me that National Express have not changed their original slogan:

'ITS BETTER BY BUS'

(Thankyou Jenniferjlea of Flickr for the image: its title is apt:
'Overtaken by a National Express Bus)

Labels: East Coast line, GNER, National Express

  ¶ 10:15 AM (0) comments

 
That's the Ticket
I have never seen such a sight before.

Three, yes, three National Express ticket inspectors (calling themselves Revenue officials) at the foot of the stairs leading to the Up and Down platforms (aka platforms 2 and 1 depending on your interpretation of Up *and Down). Every ticket and travel card scrutinised and clipped if appropriate. But the cordons were erected in such a way ensuring that the ticket lines had to be crossed to get to Costa Coffee, and then refreshment obtained, crossed again to mount the stairs. One poor Geezer had his ticket clipped and Senior (ugh) Travelcard scrutinised en route to a medium Latte. Then he half climbed the stairs, clipped again and inspected before he remembered that he had forgotten his Daily Telegraph. Back to the kiosk-click-back through the ticket line, click and scrutiny-needed second cup of coffee to dispel stress(Latte Large) Click and 'can I see your travel card'(again? Again?-yes we have our orders) -up the stairs and escape to Up or Down platforms (1141 to Kings Cross, 1142 to Embra-thats intergrated joined up transport for you) And the area at the bottom of the stairs now resembled the aftermath of a wedding.

* A spokesman for Hutton Think Tank explains:

'Up' usually means going 'Up to the capital' as in 'Up to London' But London from Berwick is clearly 'down' (check the map) Up to Edinburgh is geographically correct but not politically, as strictly speaking it only would be if you are travelling in Scotland ** Berwick upon Tweed is in England. So, according to correct English (if not Scottish) usage you should use the Up platform to go up to the Capital even if you are going 'down'. Clear? No?

Take the bus.

** Embra is the capital city of Scotland

(The image shows an anxious passenger checking if the Ticket collectors are still around)

Labels: Berwick Station, National Express, Ticket collectors.Hutton Think Tank

  ¶ 7:40 PM (0) comments

 
National Express have launched their newly acquired East Coast service with great fanfare but it is hard to see what is new and wonderful about it. The rolling stock etc is old GNER repainted-rather nicer than the old livery certainly but otherwise there is no evidence of much fresh investment. The crew members still sport GNER handbags and this applies to the distaff side as well and the ancient carriages with their manual locking, leaning-out-of-window -risking-decapitation-to-turn-external-handle-to-open-door technology. Same old loos with the mysterious rubber stamping devices on the paper strewn floors and that ancient sign discouraging flushing while the train is standing at the station. Is it more environmentally friendly to have one's crap scattered over Yorkshire at 85 mph than deposited gently with the precision of smart bomb between platforms 1 and 2 at York Station? Surely, anyhow, the wee* tanks are sealed so what does it matter where you crank the handle?

And the tired old crew announcements with 'station stop' 'service of dinner' 'late running' 'inconveniences** regretted' are still intoned, nasally, and expressionlessly, using the old GNER hymn sheets.


Oh yes.Internet connection is free-first class and bog standard alike. But as it takes from Embra to Ber Wick to log on-not much good to me.

* wee not as in small(Blog-ed)

** Also used for loos taken out of service en route.

(The image is of a National Express train arriving at York. Even if you click to enlarge the picture I fear you cannot see the loos being rapidly vacated before the train stops)

Labels: Loos, National Express

  ¶ 9:27 AM (1) comments

 
National Express made a bad start in my book by failing to turn up at all at Ber Wick station-the 1141 to Embra, became a late running 12.23 and then 'delayed' sine die. By which time Huttonian had caught a Virgin*, calling themselves 'Cross Country- -although they still need rails, apparently. The problem was a broken rail 'between Doncaster and York', a rather worrying vague description but the boys in Orange vests from Railtrack rose to the occasion, fixed the problem, and National Express were back on time by the end of my teaching day.

One hates to be fatist but I was not overjoyed to find my self facing a very, very, very, well built fellow traveller for the 45 minutes it takes NE to go down hill from Embra to Ber Wick. I have nothing against fat people per se, some of my best friends etc but this youngish woman never stopped eating from the moment she took her seat (with some difficultly, requiring a sort of shuffled Rumba and a sigh of contentment as gravity did the rest) I could hardly help noticing that she had two large packets of crisps, three assorted sandwiches-ploughman's, Chicken Tikka and Prawn with lashings of Rosemarie sauce. A Baguette-more chicken-and two KitKats. Just as I was about to get out the trolley came round-she looked at me,caught my eye, sighed, and said 'I shouldn't! ' and then ordered a hot chocolate, and several packets of biscuits. To her obvious disappointment the chocolate chip cookies had run out 'previous passenger choice' in the jargon- and she gently chided the trolley person:

'Never would have happened in GNER'

AS I disembarked I saw her struggle to her feet-they had just announced that a 'service of dinner' would 'commence' after Newcastle. and she was obviously determined not to be last in the queue. Given that she was 4 coaches away and only 50 minutes in hand it would have been an interesting contest to watch.

But I really had to get off.

* As it were

(The image above is taken from an unusual collection of Public Art-these figures are provisionally titled 'The Unknown Passengers,

Labels: Fat people, National Express

  ¶ 9:27 AM (0) comments

  Thankyou adambowie for this image of a National Express engine in its new livery. Sadly not is all changed from the old GNER. The Train Crew stilll gabble from the old scripts-'next station stop' 'Any inconvenience regretted' ' Thankyou for risking your lives in National Express' but a new gradation of tardiness has evolved : 'only very slightly late' (8 minutes and counting-down) a bit better than slighty late running-9 minutes and up to an hour or two.

We started at Berwick slightly late running and arrived at Kings Cross dead on time. (any pleasant surprise much regrertted?)

So no need to use the new excuse:

New Rail company on track.

Yet.

Labels: GNER, National Express

  ¶ 5:40 PM (0) comments